Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
#parenting
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit