me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
At least try to make it slightly believable
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.