me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

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QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?


Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever


When I was ten I played Secret Agent with my little brother. Turns out toddlers do not make good grappling hooks.


Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.


If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?


A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.


Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.