me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift