Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.