Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Worst Native American name ever.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.