@NYC_Blonde

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

@vineyille

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

@Ciara_Knight

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

@moose_chocolate

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@tsm560

I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.