@NYC_Blonde

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

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@punmagnate

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@shutupmikeginn

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

@RandomRamblr

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

@dril

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

@brynnester

[Restaurant]
Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’