Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Cartman: Respect my
a a
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.