“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*
*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*
YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
please enjoy this masterpiece I spent way too long creating
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
What is this ‘wrong hole’ you people speak of?
The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Waiter: Would Sir care to choose his lobster?
Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’