@NYC_Blonde

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

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@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

@BuckyIsotope

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

@omgthatspunny

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

@thatUPSdude

We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.

@Parkerlawyer

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

@13spencer

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

@KKBowls

“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy

@TheIronSherk

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

@BeingTwiter

What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
.
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.

@thwphipps

the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS