Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.


The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.


We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.


Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”


After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.


“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy


[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-



What the heck?

A 3G board?


What’s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common??
In each scenario, there’s a dumb guy who didn’t take it out in time.


the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS