interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
You Might Also Like
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
Does North Korea remember what happened the last time a country attacked Hawaii?
Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.
Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom