Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.