Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Girl, same.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack