[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this