Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.


Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn


The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.


DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]