@lifeisforkedup

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

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@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@BrainFumbles

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@AndrewNadeau0

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@DuhhEmma

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

@Ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@Matt_The_1st

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

@gavinpivott

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

@chuuew

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]