Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault