Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.