My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I think they could have phrased this better
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.