me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.

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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.


My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.


Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine


Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever


Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!


If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.


Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.


“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”


ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*