@Iffy_Penguin

me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.

You Might Also Like

@Chumpstring

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

@KrangTNelson

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

@Love_bug1016

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

@ellewasamistake

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

@flashember

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

@LaziestCanine

Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you

Me: yes, he was not very friendly

@only_one_ee

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@KrazykurtKurt

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha