@Iffy_Penguin

me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.

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@IamJackBoot

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

@copymama

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@psybermonkey

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

@JoParkerBear

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

@cupcakelynda

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@truegritrumble

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*