@Iffy_Penguin
@Chumpstring
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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@Chumpstring
@KrangTNelson
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
@Love_bug1016
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
@ellewasamistake
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
@flashember
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
@LaziestCanine
Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you
Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@only_one_ee
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
@bossy_bootz
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
@simoncholland
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
@KrazykurtKurt
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha