Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.