Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I’d rather go liquor treating.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie