“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.