75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”