(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
ME: thereâ€™s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means
THEM: werewolf Jesus?
ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”