@portmanteauface

ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means

THEM:

ME:

THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus

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@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@girlontapas

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

@CrockettForReal

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

@UncleDuke1969

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

@DanMentos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

@matt___nelson

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”