Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator


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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.


Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?


The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses


Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.


[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH


ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how


if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”