Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.