Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
You Might Also Like
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Dammit Chief not again
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT