@AristotlesNZ

Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?
“Ya.”

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@Contwixt

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@KentWGraham

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@moose_chocolate

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@PaperWash

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

@bearloverbobby

I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…

@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog