Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?

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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.


Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?


I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.


[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*


She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.


Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.


“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.


“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”


I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…


Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog