Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist