Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.