Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
You Might Also Like
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
God: you’re a yak.
Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.
Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?
Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.
Yak: guess my favorite band?
Yak: my chemoocal romance.
God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.