@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

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@usermcuserface

Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@nvd197

My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@lecalabara

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.

@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.