ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Beware…..
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
iPhone X
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man