Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.