*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
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Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?