@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

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@cottoncandaddy

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

@realHamOnWry

The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.

@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

@jwoodham

It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

@ibid78

-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
“Bigfoot”
-And this w/ saber teeth?
“Sabertooth”
-And this beaverduck?
“Platypus”
-wtf dude

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?