starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: wait shit
Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.
-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
-And this w/ saber teeth?
-And this beaverduck?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?