Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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Me My dog
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
What fresh Hell is this?!?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.