HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
You Might Also Like
Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?
It was right in front of him.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.