@samdunsiger

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

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@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@GrantTanaka

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@IamJackBoot

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

@alwayzintruble

Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..

@KalvinMacleod

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse