“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse