@samdunsiger

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

- @samdunsiger

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@audipenny

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

@HomeProbably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

@Ygrene

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

@JasonLastname

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.