ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

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First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie


Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?

It was right in front of him.


[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!


My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.


INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.


Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.


AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u


Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.