ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Mouse
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
i wish i could marry a nap
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Wake me when AI does housework