@djdarrellripley

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

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@sad_tree

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@jergarl

I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

@GlennyRodge

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

@notIena

my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color

@ghostkrogh

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

@FunnyTunes

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.