My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Password is incorrect”
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
H: Removing unmentionables
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.
[jaws theme plays]
Shark groom: omg she’s here
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”
*Bing! Twitter notification!*