@djdarrellripley

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

@houffy

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@MenHumor

Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@Tups13

“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*

Thud.