Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

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*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials


Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.


My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.


I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.


I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.


Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.


Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.


my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color


isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.


Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.