Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.