@XplodingUnicorn

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

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@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@BlondieBGbb

Just read “four years after pregnancy 38% of moms still were not drinking” I think it’s safe to say this survey was not done on Twitter.

@SvnSxty

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016

@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@dadsrpeopletoo

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: Going to be honest here. I have a wife and 2 young kids. I want an hour on a couch uninterrupted. Go get a sandwich or something.

@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*