ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You Might Also Like
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE
Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*