@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

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@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@squirrel74wkgn

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

@JuliaChildCIA

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

@JB4Realz

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

@primawesome

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@Donna_McCoy

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

@flashember

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*