ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is