Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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Is….Is this an option?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Guys, I found it.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
#winning