Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it