ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?