@spacewizard_t

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

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@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@Slave_4_U

Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.

@EndhooS

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

@Fred_Delicious

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

@BareChesty

If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…