Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!


Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.


[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*


yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.


***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people


If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.


Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…