Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.