Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Matt Goss
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“What?”
– Jude
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi