*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
this article brought to you by lions
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then