@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

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@TheThomason

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

@Quartzjixler

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

@DawnHFoster

A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.

@HatfieldAnne

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@PJTLynch

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

@DeanOkay

Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@torrami

Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.