Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.
I wrote it in 2013.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.