Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
🍛
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
finally
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂