Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Found the job I’m suited for
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.