me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

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Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.


Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated



ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you


I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.


Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?


[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.


Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”