Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel