@TommyRainmaker

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

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@markleggett

AROMATHERAPY CONNUDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?

@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

@squirrel74wkgn

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

@BoogTweets

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

@underrateDad

83% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid’s name.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

@QuietPsycho

I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family