HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
You Might Also Like
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
83% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid’s name.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I think the Wu Tang clan is a Chinese organized crime family trying to wrestle control of the orange drink market from the “Sunni D” family