me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
#Caturday
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.