Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
The Backseat Boys
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
describing stardew valley
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…