me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud