FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
Me: *more forcefully* fries.
We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie