Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob