me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!