Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

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How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.


*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door


*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first


I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.


[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!


If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time


When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.


Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.


Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.


Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.


6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)