@kyry5

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

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@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@Scottzilla667

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

@SergioValenCo

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

@adamgreattweet

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@bouncerface

Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.

@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@MissHavisham

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)