Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last