Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
next level snooze
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars